The Shawl of Doom
When you look in the mirror do you feel a sense of disappointment and disgust? This pattern is for you! This interminable pattern is something that no one in their right mind would ever knit (says something about your personality that you are even considering knitting it, doesn't it?). Akin to self-flagellation, this pattern is ideal for those that have an extreme personality disorder that has self-loathing as a main symptom. Perfect for those that have no friends, no life, and have nothing better to do than knit stitch after stitch in a mindless haze. Nothing says “I hate myself” like knitting The Shawl of Doom! Also recommended as a back-handed gift to that knitter whom you love to hate!!!
Size: As large as you can stand making it. Who knows? How bad is your personality disorder?
Yarn: A minimum of 1600 yds of laceweight, up to 20,000 yds or more depending on your obsessiveness. Anything less than 1600 yds and you obviously don't hate yourself.
Needle Size: Maximum needles size 2.75 mm, anything larger and you don't really mean it.
Notions: Yarn needle for weaving in ends (assuming you make it that far).
Gauge: Really? Somebody would actually have to knit the damn thing and actually care enough to measure it. I mean think about it? Who really cares about gauge on this thing anyways, gauge assumes that you're actually going to finish the shawl at some point, and there's really no point in being so optimistic.
Pattern notes: This shawl is just a giant damn dishcloth. A monkey could knit it. 'Nuff said.
Cast on 4 disappointing stitches. The backwards loop method is the best/worst for this, it doesn't look very good and requires the least amount of effort.
Row 1: k4 (no too bad so far, eh?)
Rows 2-40: k2, yo, k all sts.
Row 41: k2, yo, k all sts. Start feeling a cocky sense of accomplishment, start imagining yourself actually finishing the shawl and throwing it in the designer's face. 45 sts
Rows 42-80: k2, yo, k all sts.
Row 81: k2, yo, k all sts. Like a crystal meth addict, start believing that you can do anything. 85 sts
Row 82-147: k2, yo, k all sts.
Row 148: k2, yo, doggedly k all sts, because by gum, you're going to finish this thing and you're going to LIKE IT!!!! 152 sts
Rows 149-200: k2, yo, k all sts.
Row 201: Come to the realization that you now have over 200 sts a row, you are nowhere near done this shawl, and you probably never will be. Have a good cry. k2, yo, k all sts. 205 sts.
Row 202: k2, yo, k all the $%*ing sts. 206 sts
Row 203: k2, yo, k all the stupid *!#king sts. 207 sts
Row 204: k2, yo, k all sts. Stab yourself in the eye with your knitting needle because you'd rather spend 2 days in the hospital than knit another stitch on this piece of crap. 208 sts.
Row 205: Realize it's really easy to knit with monocular vision. Cry out of your good eye. k2, yo, k all sts. 209 sts.
Row 206: Start thinking that an eyepatch is pretty cool. Start feeling misplaced sense of optimism. K2, yo, k all sts. 210 sts.
Row 207: k2, yo, k all sts. Believe that knitting this isn't so bad after a 2 day break in the hospital. 211 sts
Rows 208-234: k2, yo, k all sts. Realize that garter stitch is for douche bags. 238 sts.
Rows 235-302: k2, yo, k all sts.
Row 303: k2, yo, k all sts. Cheat on your spouse. Use divorce court proceedings as knitting time.
Rows 303-363: k2, yo, k all sts. Try to look like a victim during divorce court (the knitting really helps with the image) 367 sts.
Row 364: Realize that you'll never finish this stupid $#%ing shawl and throw it into a deep dark pit.
Row 364: Realize that you HAVE to finish it, because if you don't it means that you are horrible person with no hope in life.
Row 364: Retrieve shawl from pit and clutch it to your chest while rocking gently back and forth and scream “WHY?!” over and over again in a corner of your basement.
Row 364-372: k2, yo, k all sts. 376 sts.
Row 373: Realize you skipped row 364, rip your work back and redo rows 364-372. 376 sts.
Row 373: k2, yo, k all sts. 377 sts.
Row 374: Start thinking row 303 might have been a mistake in the pattern simply because you could really use some support right now. k2, yo, k all sts. 378 sts.
Row 375: Throw it away. Burn it. Throw it off a cliff. Give it to a homeless dude. Perform an exorcism. Unravel sections of it. Cut it up with scissors. Use it as a toilet paper replacement. ANYTHING SO THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO SEE IT AGAIN.
Row 375-∞: k2, yo, k all sts.
Bind off for days and !&*ing days.
Weave in ends.